Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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