I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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