So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
