i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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