If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
