just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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