I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
