It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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