you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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