Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
