2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
