We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
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Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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