My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
