Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
MIDGETS
????
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's shark week go big or go home
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
