I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
