Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
