i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
