and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
