i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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