can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober January is a disaster.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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