I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
