Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
