my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
