Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
