The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
