My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
