Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
did i walk over a car last night?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
please don't ironically join a cult
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