You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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