You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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