So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
