did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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