Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
