oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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