I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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