i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
