Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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