Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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