did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize