Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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