Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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