Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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