i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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