I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
