another moral hangover. fuck.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
