my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
