my mouth tastes like poor choices
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
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I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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