Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
