While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
