high people should be assigned attendants
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
