Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
