what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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