Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
