I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You smell like stripper and shame
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
