Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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