6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
